There were a few things I forgot to mention in the first post. This is a companion piece. You'll have to excuse the expletives, but this is necessary.
F*ck this life. Seriously, f*ck this life that I am living right now. I can't even express my frustrations in a single word, sentence, paragraph, or essay. All I can do is record the thoughts that come into my mind,
one
by
one.
This needs to be vented, or I will suffocate from the toxic fumes of these emotions.
So let's open the window.
I'm tired of seeing spoiled actors whine and complain about their contracts that only allow them to afford the new Tesla, but aren't enough to get the new Rolls Royce. You are the actors that people like me have come to abhor. It's like how good women complain about loose women. You give us a bad name. I'm not in the mood to name any names. I don't have the energy for a personal battle. But we all know who they are.
I can't express to you how blessed you are just to be able to be doing your job, to be able to work everyday AND get paid for it. I feel like I'm one of Chekhov's three sisters right now. All I want to do is work. In my position, the few times I do get to act come from me paying heavily out of pocket for some training program or from some workshop in North Hollywood. Or I guess I can take off work so I can do a play that won't pay me any money, because I should just feel ecstatic to have the opportunity to be performing in front of an audience. This ain't high school play production class, homie. There's bills to pay... Imagine if a lawyer had to pay 350 dollars a month (which happens to be more than a waiter's paycheck in most instances) just for the opportunity to litigate. Imagine if a doctor had to ruin their credit, just to be allowed to practice medicine... Sounds preposterous, doesn't it? Well, that's my reality, everyday. F*ck seven figures, how about just making enough to not have to live at home in my late twenties? How about give me enough to afford health insurance? (I'd even take a crappy HMO at this point- yeah, it's that bad.) How about enough to get a decent car that doesn't break down every two months? How about that? How about not having to work in the hospitality industry (an industry that despite popular opinion, has NOTHING to do with the entertainment industry) just so I can do what I'm trained to do? I grow tired of serving your food and drinks.
I did not go to Penn to become a bartender.
I'm tired of seeing people I went to school with partying it up, while I play the role of the hired help. It's beyond degrading. There's really no word for it. They say nothing really changes in this town, just the faces. Well, that doesn't matter to me. I no longer care what the rules are. Bend or break, something's going to give.
I'm not complaining.
This is the way things are, realistically. When sh*t is f*cked up, you admit that sh*t is f*cked up, and you work to change that. I'm not sugarcoating, because sugarcoating is too damn expensive.
From this moment on, things will be different. I'm tired of having no control over my career. It's time for a rebellion. Every choice I make, everyday, will have all of these words in the back of my head.
I don't want to be a lawyer.
I don't want to do private wealth management.
I don't want to be a dentist.
I don't want be a stockbroker.
I don't want to be a consultant.
I don't want to be a second AD.
I don't want to be a pharmacist.
I don't want to be a politician.
I don't want to be a therapist.
I don't want to be an agent.
I am an artist, and that's the way it's gonna be, until I stop breathing.
And in the afterlife, I'll be doing the same damn thing.
If none of this is making any sense, watch this. I'll wait.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_qgVn-Op7Q&feature=related
I'm not a crazy person. I'm just gifted, focused, and misunderstood.
I know there are people who have it worse. You don't have to tell me that. But I will not settle for 2nd, 3rd, or last place because there's another guy who has it better, or worse than me. I can't live their lives for them- I can only live mine. This is not about humility or pride. I have enough humility to share, so let me know if you need some. I am not a prideful man, but I EXPECT MORE OUT OF LIFE THAN THIS. And if you tell me there's nothing to be done PW, this IS it, this is your f*cked up life, now deal with it, then I'll ask you why am I still here? If this is all I can expect, you might as well kill me now. I was not born to be a waste of talent. There's more to life than this. I know it. And I'm going to find it. All of it.
I want my Holy Grail.
It's time to stop explaining things.
I must make my witness.
Go.
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